And that's just one of my "Viewer Discretion Advised".
"Frequently talks to herself."
"Was partially homeschooled, yet is full time awkward."
"Is prone to staring."
"No filter."
"Awkward dances when provoked."
"Becomes emotionally attached to food, and inanimate objects."
"Likes her cat more than you."
"Will pull out a book in social settings."
Growing up I felt like the most fortunate girl alive. I had my parents undivided attention, and I had a plethora of alone time. In an instant I could be transported to whichever world I chose, and I could create grand adventures all in the space of my head. It was the only life I ever knew, that constant faraway glance of whimsy, that yearning for something more. That ache for a glorious quest, yet also the pull and comfort of my own little world.
So as I got older I wanted for nothing. I had
enough food to eat, clothes to wear, a beautiful roof over my head, and parents that provided me all they could and more. And I was convinced that all I needed was myself, and the little family we had. And for a time it was enough. I went to school, begrudgingly, yet I persuaded myself to enjoy it, all but the social interaction. I delved into my studies and allowed the promise of new knowledge to wake me up each and every morning. Yet when I walked through the front door of my home, only then did I ever feel completely safe, and at ease in my skin.
No longer did I have to suffer through the small talk all elementary and middle schoolers have in common. No longer did I have to pretend I belonged in the same world as my peers.
I liked to pretend I wasn't from this world, because pretending was all I had. I had my head to play with, make up games with, and run around with. I had delved so far into myself that I never learned how to need others, so I relished in that feeling of solus.
Yet as life kept moving, and speeding up, and I kept growing in mind and body obstacles were thrown my way that I felt all too challenging to handle. My mind, once my friend and ally, was now my enemy. It kept me up at night, and filled me with wracks of sobs. It no longer fed me adventures, yet ravaged me with doubts and anxieties. And I learned the true meaning behind the world "alone", because to me it was always such a wonderful word.
It's a wonder how it all happened. I look back today as my fingers fly over my keyboard and a million images come to mind. Late night talks with my Mother and Father, incessant shushing to my brain, and finally the acceptance that perhaps I wasn't built to be completely alone. That perhaps the life that I had conjured in my mind could someday, maybe, be real. Those adventures could be real, and the girl I imagined myself to be, might be a person I could become.
So I did it. I really, honestly did it. I learned the proper way to be alone. And I participated in what was happening outside my mind.
And I found siblings. And I extended my small family. And they proved to be willing to support me every step of the way. They silenced my mind when they knew it wasn't feeding me good thoughts, and I opened up to them in time.
I learned how dangerous I was living, how on the edge of something very bad was I walking. The walls of protection I had put up to shade me from the outside world, also kept out all the good. What I wasn't willing to admit was how much I needed people. They weren't all bad. Some were actually quite good, great even. They were like the characters in all the books I had read, yet better because they were real, so their story continued on and on, and I could actually be a part of it.
I suppose that was all I ever really wanted, to be a part of someone's story. And for them to be a part of mine.
So now I am no longer the only inhabitant of my world. There are many residents, and we have done fantastic things, and we've lived. And we've all found a place that feels like home.
And I hope all of you will as well. And if you already have- kudos!
That's the first time I've ever used the word "kudos" before. Not too sure if it will happen again, in fact.
All the same, I wish you all a
Happy Reading, until next time.
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