A Look at Escapism

My childhood was riddled with different forms of escaping; whether in the physical (taking leave from a conversation, hiding in my closet with a flashlight, hiding anywhere with a flashlight really.) or mental sense (books, music, the torture chamber of my mind). I've from an early age avoided reality whenever I could, or whenever it was acceptable. I felt like an outcast among my peers- a foreigner, a Brit among the Scots- and through my short existence I've often wondered why there was such a difference between us.

This yearning I have to understand the world, began with myself. I was convinced that if I were to crack the case of the universe, I would have to start with me. Yet, who was I? Why did I enjoy the company of books to people? Why am I so slow to speak, yet so quick to write? Do all people have this vast universe living in their mind, this war conspiring to destroy them?

And then these questions inspired even more questions:

Do we make our dreams, or do our dreams make us?
How does our body know when to cry, and when to laugh?
Why do happy songs make us happy? Yet sad songs, essentially make us sad? Who's to say what is happy, anyway? Does it mean anything significant that I enjoy sad songs, to happy ones?
Do all people ask such questions?

And so I searched for answers to my questions, and the source for my ponderings. I spent nights thinking, and days thinking, and showers thinking, which spilled over into every single moment of every day thinking. I would observe as everyone around me interacted with one another, while I was be occupied inside my own head.
What was I missing?

It was starring me in the face. It sat next to me on the couch, walked with me at school, held me at night, and woke me up in the morning. What have I been missing my entire life?

And then it hit me.

Companionship.

Growing up an only child I never gave my loneliness a second thought. It was my constant companion, and I found boundless happiness in the one-sided conversations I had with myself, in my ever present head. It was all I had, and it was all I knew existed, and that's why I never gave it much thought.

Now, I know this is not the entire story. I am not who I am today merely because I grew up without siblings, and because I found extreme comfort away from human beings and human interactions. I know that it's so much more complex, and far too personal of a thing to rant about online, yet could I be onto something?

I often wonder whether my lack of growing up without companions contributed to the many times I yearned for escape.

One definition of loneliness is: "standing apart; isolated". I've stood apart my entire life, I thought this was normal or expected. Perhaps I could have stood with all the others, I could have gained relationships, yet I didn't, and so I stood alone in my journey.

One definition of escape is: "to slip away; fade". In times where I've felt like I was losing myself, meaning I felt heavy from the world around me, all I needed to do was escape for a little while. Escaping reminds me of who I am, and who I aim to be. I took pleasure in standing apart from the pack, for it was in these instances that I truly understood who I was. It allowed me to leave, without ever moving.

Escapism is often used as a tactic when unhappy with reality. Although I'm not unhappy in my life, I wonder why I feel the need to live inside my mind. Perhaps it was due to my loneliness that I grabbed at something to stay afloat. While I felt like an outcast, I could escape to the world of my choosing, where I wasn't a stranger. And this was how I lived, and how I still live.

Although I've made progress with acclimating myself to the real world, I still have times of burnout. I wear out easy, and need to recharge. Yet it's nice to know that the life outside my head, can be just as nice as the one inside it. And it's nice to know that the people I have surrounding me in life are accepting of the times I might run away- and are determined to escape with me. It's sometimes not a very inviting place that I might escape to, as it was when I was a child.

And so I've learned that participation in life is mandatory, as much as I fight it.

I've learned that the right people no longer allow me to stand alone, yet keep me company at a distance.

And I've learned that escaping is also mandatory, just as long as you come back.

Living is overwhelming, even when you do it correctly. So read that book, watch that movie, and listen, listen, listen to that song- do whatever you need to do to keep participating.

(Too bad we no longer get Participation badges once out of school, I feel like I've finally earned mine.)

We shall end it with a selfie, and call it night.

Happy reading, everyone!